the title pretty much says it. i have been listening to “elmo’s song” on repeat for the last hour. it does not improve with time, though i no longer fear death. sweet, warm, elmo-less death.

This is awesome. BUT WRONG! Marry Buscemi, F (Because this is a family blog that two people read) Imperioli, Kill Gandolfini. That’s right I said it! Two enter, one leaves, Gandolfini!

Dear woman at daycare who wanted to let me know that when you were born you weighed only 2.5 pounds and had to be dressed in socks with armhole cutouts for months: please will you please be quiet before i punch you in the boob with brutal force, please?
my son was not premature, and when you asked me that with that terrible patronizing nose wrinkle, i answered you clearly. i told you that he was not, he was just small for his age, and it would have been a good time for you to stop talking about how little he is. and yet you continued with your sock monologue, attempting, i think, to identify with my “he’s just sooo tiny” son through your brave story? again, be quiet.
yes, i am very very sensitive about this subject. i would like it if people did not feel the need to share their completely banal, thoughtless comments on my son’s size with me. yes, i know he is small, i am his mother. no, he was not premature, nor are there any “issues”. i feed him, a lot. he is perfectly healthy, and developmentally, he is a little star. do i say your baby is morbidly obese? no. do i say, oh man, he is soooo big, did he break your vagina when he came out? no, again, i do not, that would be awful.
so please, just please stop. there are plenty of fantastic adjectives for babies without resorting to comments of size, so break out the baby thesaurus if you must. and if you really must comment on my baby’s size; if his stature somehow demands some on-the-record opinion from you, noted daycare mom, then please, dr. sears, please feel free to offer it to me in exchange for a very clear rundown of my opinions on: you, your mothering, your child, your pea-sized brain, your stunning lack of sensitivity, and how much better your face would look if i straightened out that nose wrinkle with my fist.
see you at the next potluck! xoxo