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On satire, haterz, and the hairpin
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March 6th, 2011This is not a mom blog, babies, writingWow, the internet and I are in such a huge fight! A piece I wrote for The Hairpin, something I thought would be read as satire and summarily ignored, has ignited a war in the comments section. The last time I checked it had garnered 186 comments (I stopped reading them for the sake of my will to live), which makes it the most commented piece on the site right now, ahead of the truly astounding “Ask an Abortion Provider.” That’s just absurd, especially since over half the people have logged on only to say how much they hate it, me, the kind of mom they think I am, the kind of piece it is, and the very fact that it was published. I’m not going to dwell on the irony of internet traffic here: that by getting up in arms about how much you hate something you are only driving up its popularity. Instead, despite the part of me that thinks I shouldn’t have to explain myself, I wanted to just write about my intentions with the piece.
I honestly intended the piece as satire. Here’s a pretty good working definition, which also sums up some of with the problems I ran into:
“In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon…A common feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm—”in satire, irony is militant”… This “militant” irony or sarcasm often professes to approve (or at least accept as natural) the very things the satirist wishes to attack.…Because satire often combines anger and humour it can be profoundly disturbing – because it is essentially ironic or sarcastic, it is often misunderstood.…Common uncomprehending responses to satire include revulsion (accusations of poor taste, or that “it’s just not funny” for instance), to the idea that the satirist actually does support the ideas, policies, or people he is attacking.”
My intent in writing the piece was to satirize both the outsized scorn a small but vocal pocket of priviliged urbanites express towards those who choose to have children, in addition to the self-righteous, harried mommy-warrior types of those same enclaves. The point was to show the absurdity of both poles, to exaggerate the voice in order to illustrate the ridiculousness of these stereotypes, and to adopt a militant irony in the tone. I understand that it is really annoying to encounter new agey mother-goddess types who seem to think their pregnancy makes them just a smidge less holy than the Virgin Mary, just as it is incomprehensible that some people get seriously angry when they see a woman walking with a stroller through their own neighborhood, as though she and her baby were criminal yuppie interlopers.
And yes, like all satire, it hews sharp, and mean, and reads as though it might be real. In that way it was a success, I think. And it’s (obviously) completely valid to think it’s not funny, or to think it missed the mark. I don’t understand how people don’t get that it was satire (the Editor definitely got it, as did many readers), but it’s not for me to guess at the hows here.
What I find really shocking is the amount of vitriol in the comments. As a writer, it is completely bizarre to have a persona you created for the sake of a satire be completely mistaken for your own and summarily attacked by strangers who feel compelled to make sweeping judgements about your whole being. This is not a pity party, and I’m not going to get into how completely needlessly cruel it is to log on to a website in order to write awful things you would never say to people in real life (unless you are a horrible monster), but God, the internet is nasty (OK, that was a little bit of a pity party).
But here, because I am trying to not let the bastards get me down, I will end on a positive note. Along with all the misreading, insult hurling, and personal mean-messaging (I had one lady sign up for twitter JUST TO CALL ME A HORRIBLE HYPOCRITE! That’s dedication/an anger problem!), I have also heard from all sorts of people who got it and liked it, including some tremendously talented moms who write in a very real and far more sensitive way on the subjects I was joking about (like this one!). I really hope that this doesn’t leave a sour taste in Edith’s mouth about bringing a parenting perspective onto the site; there are so many voices out there that I would love to see get more attention (and not just those of moms). In the end, all those nasty Do Not Want comments actually succeeded in getting me more traffic, thicker skin, and a trial by internet fire. My son also contributed to this– what kind of role model would I be if I let strangers and critics keep me from doing what I love? I want to be courageous for him, and if that means drinking the haterade every so often, so be it.
Tags: A Mom Responds Before Crowding You Out of Your Local Coffeeshop/Bar, comment wars, controversy, haterz, moms, parents, satire, The Hairpin
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14 responses to “On satire, haterz, and the hairpin” 
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Against my better judgement, I read through the comments last night. And I was really horrified by the “What is this, Jezebel?” and the “Go to CafeMom” types of comments. I’ve felt from the beginning that the Hairpin is missing out on a parent’s perspective on things. All of the sudden, I felt totally unwelcome on the Hairpin, even though it’s been my favorite website since pretty much the moment it launched.I think that Edith should have you write MORE. But. Maybe turn the comments off? (Okay, kidding. But seriously don’t read them. And I won’t, either.)
And? It was a mommyblog shitstorm this weekend, for serious. Someone wrote a piece hating on people on scooters at Disneyland and theBloggess had a post making fun of the working mom/ SAHM wars and both of these women were totally torn apart all weekend. Maybe the mommy hate is something cosmic?
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Wow. I only found you from that post – STFU Parents posted it on their Facebook. I actually reposted on my FB saying how nice it was to read a normal mom blogger. Everyone seems so “I’m Miss Perfect” or “I’m Baaaaaaaaaad.”
I mean, come on. The piece about pregnant women not being smug? Genius. So funny. Loved it.
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If so many people “don’t get it” maybe you shouldn’t write bad satire that just pisses people off.
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Also, I didn’t call you a “horrible” hyporcite. I called you a “giant” hypocrite. Again, you exaggerate.
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Hi (2nd and 3rd) Lisa,
I really don’t know why you’re here– was a twitter message, and one or two comments at the hairpin not enough for you? I GET IT, you didn’t like it! What exactly do you expect from me, an apology?
You are angry with someone you don’t know, who wrote from a perspective that was exaggerated for effect (of course I exaggerated, that is what satire IS), and you have now spent way too much of your life being angry about it. I saw your facebook page (the hairpin links to it), and though I was upset with YOU, managed to not leave some nasty message on your wall, because I DO NOT KNOW YOU. I see we do not agree, and we can leave it at that.
I’m obviously not going to stop writing, because there were plenty of people who liked it and got it, so that’s a no-go ‘suggestion’ on your part. Sorry!
Bye!
Jessica
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I’ve never read the Hairpin before your article (I’d never read your blog either, to be honest). After reading the nasty comments, I’ll never read it again. I thought your article was brilliantly hilarious. Many of the people who commented seemed to be a bunch of self-righteous, self-centered, elitist jerks. Keep writing and ignore the haters!
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I thought the article was great, and I don’t have kids! Ignore the haters, it was something you felt, so it’s valid, not everyone has to agree.
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carly March 7th, 2011 at 17:08
Just found this site after reading the piece on the Hairpin and googling to find you, for no other reason than to add my voice to the “ignore the haters” chorus. There seemed to be a massive disconnect between the nastiness of the comments and the article they were purportedly in reference to … I feel like you wound up the unfair target of a lot of mis-directed anger and anxiety. I don’t have kids, I live in Williamsburg, I for the most part match the zipcode’s aesthetic stereotype, and I loved the piece and found it to be honest and funny. As a writer who’s spent plenty of time stressing out about hateful comments left on articles (and an equal amount of time being pissed at myself for letting it get to me), I just wanted to swing by and say: ignore the assholes. They’re wrong.
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Original Lisa here, the SANE Lisa. Can you please delete the crazy-hater-Lisa’s comments so she’s not bringing shame to the name?
Your writing is fine. I’ve stopped reading another blogger who thought she was funny and making fun of herself, when really, she was just mean. Her regular readers would tell her she was off the mark and she still didn’t get it.
By the way, my newly mom’ed friend who is dealing with a colicky baby even thought it was funny, so seriously, some people are just out of whack.
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I came over to your blog because I thought the Hairpin article was hilarious and clever. I never read comments (a good strategy on the internet) and I’m really surprised it was received badly. I’m childless (so far) but it gives me the shits when people complain about people with children. Once when a colleague was complaining about having to organise meetings around people with childcare responsibilities I pointed out that since she wasn’t having children, someone had to produce the people who would be looking after her in her old age. It did not go down well!
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Hi Jessica,
I didn’t love the article, but I get what you were doing with it. As a writer myself, I get that I can’t please everyone (or sometimes anyone) even most of the time so lately, I mostly write to please myself. Which is my way of saying, who cares what those friggin’ anonymous trolls think – though from experience I know that’s sometimes easier said than done.
I’ve got a new policy across my sites – I don’t post bitchy, trolly comments that don’t add anything to the discussion. People can disagree with me, even vehemently, but if it gets nasty or personal I don’t respond and I don’t publish. Trolls are after attention. Lisa (the bad one) is a prime example of this.
The internet is loaded with anonymous people who can get out all the frustrations of their mostly failed lives by being cruel to others online. People like Lisa are probably completely repressed in their real lives and wouldn’t dream of acting this way if her real identity were tied to the aggressive behavior. It’s sad and we should all take a moment to let out a deep, collective on her behalf.
I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
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Sorry – that was meant to say “a deep, collective sigh on her behalf.”
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I’m a 20 year old urbanite who lives for shows for obscure bands (though they’re typically the boys I grew up with rather than Danish ones). And I found your article pretty funny. I don’t pretend to get the whole mom thing because for me, that’s just not in the picture nor will it be any time soon. But I appreciated your point of view and maybe one day I’ll be able to appreciate it first-hand.
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Kristen March 14th, 2011 at 00:01
I loved it. I have gone back several times to read it because it made me laugh so hard, because I saw a lot of myself in it…both as a current mom, and as a former smug childless jerk. See you for “brunch” at IHOP, 7:30 sharp!
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Kelly March 7th, 2011 at 07:46